This is part of a series focusing on how to handle awkward situations when working on a performance or any type of competitive entry. This guide covers suggestions for how to navigate conflict that may arise within the group.
How to resolve conflict
Conflict often occurs when there is a perceived imbalance related to power, resources, ideas, or ideals. In most cases, there is no ill will – just a difference in expectations and perceptions.
How Conflicts Escalate
If you have been in a fight with someone, you know that conflicts can escalate quickly.
First, it’s human nature to check in with our friends, people that we trust and that we are comfortable going to when we have a problem. We might ask our friends to confirm that there is an issue or that we’re not blowing something out of proportion.
The challenge with asking friends, is they are often empathetic towards our plights and frequently share values with us. Even if we ask for their honest opinion, they are likely to reach the same conclusion. This creates what’s called an “echo chamber” – we believe we’re getting broad and balanced opinions, but as conversation continues we end up moving into more and more of an “us vs. them” mentality.
If left to fester, that mentality can develop into a desire to isolate or punish the other party that is believed to have caused the conflict. Eventually communication stops and both sides reach a dead end.
One of the best ways to handle conflict is to stop it in its tracks before it can get that far. That means having an honest conversation with the person.
Example
Your group is preparing for a showcase performance at an upcoming cultural event. The performance requires the group to rehearse before the event. Group Member A frequently misses rehearsals, which makes it difficult for the rest of the group to rehearse without them there.
Your group is preparing for a craftsmanship contest at a local convention as a magical girl squad. Group Member A volunteered to 3D print the identical tiara frames for each group member. The deadline is passed and group members might not have time to finish and customize the 3D prints.
Tips for Having a Conversation
Tip 1 – Let the person know you’d like to talk about the issue
Provide the specific topic and timeline for the conversation. Give them a bit of time (i.e. not immediately) so they have a chance to prepare if that is their preference, but try to avoid making them wait too long, which can make them feel anxious. For example:
Do you have a few minutes tomorrow to talk about the skit rehearsals on call?
Do you have a few minutes tomorrow to talk about the group accessories on a chat?
Tip 2 – Be specific, stick with the facts and your own feelings
Be very specific about what events or actions occurred. Try framing the problem in terms of how their actions made you feel. This minimizes the chance of an argument breaking out. For example:
You keep missing rehearsals and you’re holding the group back.
‘Keep missing rehearsals’ isn’t specific and ‘holding the group back’ is a perceived outcome. The person might focus on disputing how many rehearsals they’ve missed or they might argue that they think the group is doing fine. This argument is not productive in getting to the core of the issue.
Instead, you could try:
You missed the last two rehearsals, which made me feel frustrated because the group wasn’t able to practice the full choreography without everyone here.
You keep saying that you’re almost done, but you’re not and it’s not fair to the group.
‘Keep saying that you’re almost done’ isn’t specific and ‘it’s not fair to the group’ is a perceived outcome. The person might focus on disputing what you claimed they said or they might argue that there’s still plenty of time. This argument is not productive in getting to the core of the issue.
Instead, you could try:
In the original planning conversation in the chat, everyone in the group agreed that the accessories would need to be done and shipped by [DATE] so there was time to customize them. That date has passed and that personally makes me feel anxious about whether I’ll have enough time to finish before the competition.
Tip 3 – Give them time to respond
Remember: conflict usually starts from perceived imbalance, rather than ill intent. The person you’re speaking to may not even be aware they were causing a conflict.
Your feedback may come as a surprise and they may view it as a criticism on their character. They will likely get defensive as they process this new information.
For example, the person might say things like:
You’re being bossy.
You’re taking this too seriously.
I didn’t know it was going to take this much time.
You never told me it was required.
You may be tempted to respond, but avoid that temptation. Try to be as empathetic as possible, don’t contradict them, and give them a bit of space.
Reaching a Resolution
Your goal is to find a future state that both of you desire. According to the Kilmann Conflict Management Model1 there are (5) modes or methods to resolve a conflict.
Mode 1 – Avoiding
Nothing changes; you elect to let the conflict continue as-is. This does not address the underlying cause of the frustration, but can be helpful if both of you need a breather to calm down before returning to the conversation. Recommended as a “pause”, rather than a final resolution.
Mode 2 – Competing
You advocate for them to accept your desired future state.
Potential consequence: they may decide to remove themselves from the situation.
You ask them to attend all rehearsals moving forward.
Risk: They may decide to leave the group
You ask them to let someone else finish preparing the accessories.
Risk: They may decide to leave the group
Mode 3 – Accommodating
You agree to their future state.
Potential consequence: the conflict continues
They ask not to attend any rehearsals before the convention.
Risk: The group isn’t prepared and group members continue to be frustrated.
They ask to finish the accessories and not to be bothered with reminders.
Risk: The accessories don’t get done and the group runs out of time to prepare.
Mode 4 – Collaborating
You work together to create a new future state.
Potential consequence: neither party may get entirely what they want.
You both agree to change their role to one that doesn’t need as much rehearsal time so they don’t need to attend all the rehearsals.
Group Member A still needs to attend rehearsals, but not as many. The group is less impacted, but you/group leader need to make adjustments.
You both agree that Group Member A can still print the accessories, but moving forward, all deadlines and progress updates are shared to the entire group, as not to call out anyone specifically.
You/group leader get a mechanism to provide reminders to Group Member A without singling them out, but the group may still end up with the deadline being missed.
Group Member A can continue to print the accessories, but will be held publicly accountable.
Mode 5 – Compromising
You both pick parts of your ideal state to come to a consensus.
Potential consequence: much like collaborating, there may be parts of the plan that neither of you are truly happy with.
Group Member A has to attend all rehearsals, but only has to physically attend the rehearsals where their blocking or choreography is being practiced. All other rehearsals need to be over video call so they can participate in discussions and decisions.
Group Member A will get an extension to complete the accessories and will have automated calendar reminders, but if the accessories are not done by [NEW DATE], then someone else in the group will make the accessories.
1 Mishra, Arindra. “Thomas Kilmann Conflict Model.” Management Weekly, 12
May 2021, https://managementweekly.org/thomas-kilmann-conflict-resolutionmodel
Conclusion
As the group leader, you’ll ultimately need to decide which approach will work best for your group and there is no right answer. But remember: conflict resolution is tough, so if you don’t get it right the first time – keep trying!